how do you love on a night without feelings
by lealila
Summary: Despite everything, Obi-Wan still believes in Anakin. AU.


**_title from "wire to wire" by razorlight._**

_how do you love on a night without feelings_

_despite everything, obi-wan still believes in anakin_

Obi-Wan fears the moment when he will find Anakin's body.

His lightsaber is warm in his hand as he traverses the sacred halls of his home, stepping over and around the bodies of clones and Jedi and Temple employees as he and Yoda head to change the recall signal. His head still aches from when the bond he share(s)d with Anakin ripped apart and _he still can't believe_—

Yoda told him that Anakin stayed at the Temple while the masters confronted Palpatine. Obi-Wan believes he must have died defending the Temple when the clones and—and the Sith (an apprentice or Dark Acolyte or whoever) attacked.

Obi-Wan does fear the moment when he will find Anakin's body, but he'll be proud, too. Dying in a fight, with honor, protecting his own in a blaze of glory.

(That's how Anakin wanted to go, when his time came. In a rare moment of intimacy, they confessed how they dreamed of death.)

(Obi-Wan admitted to wanting the same, despite knowing a Jedi shouldn't _crave_ glory.)

(A Jedi should not anticipate death, either—should merely wait for their time to come and welcome death calmly and openly. But—and it's only been recently he's realized this—they're not very good Jedi.)

They reach the communication room, and Obi-Wan goes to turn off the recall signal. He still hasn't found—

Does he even _want_ to? When he watched Qui-Gon die—it was—it was—

Finding Anakin would be just as bad, if not worse. Qui-Gon was like a father—but his relationship with Anakin was so much closer. So much more dangerous, because they chose to ignore death, instead of acknowledge it, and move on, like he did with Qui-Gon.

Obi-Wan finishes his task, and moves on to the security station, to see who did this—and not—not for revenge. He's a Jedi—even now, when the Order lays in ruins—he's a Jedi.

Yoda says, "Only pain you will find."

"Then it is pained I have earned."

And it is—this is his own choosing. But he has to know—he _has_ to.

For Anakin. He has to see who could defeat the most powerful Jedi the Order has ever produced.

And when he finds—he finds—

In some other galaxy—if everything had turned out _right_—he would be pleased to find his former padawan survive the attack on the Temple.

But now—

But now, it is Anakin—_Anakin_—his _brother_—who murdered hundreds. _Anakin_ who stormed the Temple—their _home_—and—and—

He can't—he can't understand it, can't see where he went wrong, and how—why would—not _Anakin_. Never Anakin. The boy he raised and the man he fought alongside would _never _have betrayed the Order. This surely is some cruel, terrible, _awful_ joke—some dream or nightmare or vision, and he'll wake up to find Anakin complaining about being up before the sun, and the jedi alive and whole and _alive_ not murdered by a man who fought alongside them who put the jedi before duty who was kind and powerful the greatest man obi-wan had ever know the man who would never have harmed the jedi the jedi who take care of their own and _oh_, anakin anakin anakin—

Obi-Wan comes back into himself to find his hands twisted in his hair and sat upon the floor, Yoda looking at him with sympathy and—

No. He won't. He _can't._ Not to Anakin, despite it all. Despite the bodies strewn throughout the Temple, and knowing _exactly_ who did it.

"I won't do it," he declares, voice hoarse and shaking from unreleased emotion. "He's my _brother_—I _can't_ do it."

"Gone, your apprentice is, consumed by Darth Vader."

Obi-Wan doesn't notice the slip, but he feels it, in his heart. And this—this gives him the strength to stand and unwind. He reaches into the Force—his anchor for over thirty years—and breathes in, out, in, out, centering himself. Unclenching his hands, he faces Master Yoda, bows, and walks away.

He won't kill Anakin.

But maybe—perhaps—he can save him.

He doesn't once look back.


End file.
